My Vulnerability (Soft-Opening)
My name is Paige. Paige LaRue. Though this isn’t how I always jot-my-thoughts, I had this dire need to introduce myself before publishing any work to this site. Sometimes people call me P. That started back home in Sacramento, and kind of stuck with me. P like sweet pea, I am full of love for everyone. Like that one very potent bath and body works scent that we all remember filling every middle school classroom, I want to spread that love around. To everyone. Though, especially to the people in my life to this day, that give it back. Effortlessly, and plenty of which are from Sac.
I have honestly gotten twisted up into my own thoughts for so long on how to write about Me, that for days I swallowed that tangled thought process-mess, and it fell to the pit of my stomach. I find it hard to pinpoint exactly who it is that i am, especially with what is happening around our world today.
We are always changing-
-I am always changing.
And everyday we are blessed with reminders, elements of change. One thing is for sure, and it is that I always identify myself as a romantic. You’ll see it here, in my writing. That comes from my grandparents, who happen to be amazing people. Who also lived close enough to the Sacramento area, long enough to become some of my best friends. The bond we built inspires me every day, because that kind of love comes with lessons.
I grew up, born and raised, in great ol’ Sacramento. With my tiny family, and tiny group of friends. But if you do know and remember me, you will probably have a faint memory of a bold-blonde short girl, who loves to laugh and talk. So, you may actually know me. From somewhere. A lost conversation, behind a cup of joe, in a classroom, a swimming pool, or a laugh echoing a hallway.
My writing carried the weight that my shoulders did not want. I wasn’t incapable of carrying the pain of everyday struggles and then some, but I still wanted to be free. Like any other kid,
And like any other kid I sometimes struggled feeling freed of whatever chains I allowed around my very own state of existence. As I get older, I relate myself to a sponge. Constantly absorbing new ideas, information, experiences, emotions. The good, the bad. In all of its glory. Taking a little something from every bite, thanking life for giving you--something. I process these things in between there and here, to be regurgitated by pen. I write in my moleskin journal first, it feels good to do that.
I don't tend to rhyme, because the words become sticky, like slime, and honestly I start spitting like the female version of Lil Dicky. My writing is very free, and I haven’t done anything like this before with it, so I can’t wait to see where my mind takes me. I also tend to think I am a lot funnier than I am.
To “gain something more from life”...whatever that means to you and I, I moved from California to Washington. With a few boxes of clothes, a cafe job at pikes market, and some hope. I signed the lease to my first apartment a few weeks later, and the truth in it all, is that it was one of the hardest things I have done. I didn’t have much, but I was ready to learn and love. And the greater truth is, it still isn’t one of the easiest things to do every day. To give to the world every day in hopes something beautiful will come out of it the next. A lot has changed from the day I drove up the I-5, and honestly;
I have not looked back. Yes, I dance with my memories, and I send love home, every day. But I learn from my reconciliations. My writing has carried me through the whole spectrum, which can scare me. The products of destruction, these melancholy pages are sometimes not the best reflection of myself. Though there is something I learned a long time ago which is;
The things we fail to face, will still face our lives daily. Almost as if they are haunting us, these unsaid words, unfelt emotions, our should have’s. Our could have’s. And would have’s. All there to remind us we are deserving of happy lives. All there to remind us to never choke on those words again. These pages of regurgitated ideas, and thrown up feelings, sometimes seem to make sense. And through dark, if I have the capacity and capability to shine light, I will. Because I let the bad go, otherwise it’d consume me. Now I dance through life with my roommates, (Gwen and Tawni,) and look forward to every moment we take on together, including the good and the bad in all of its glory. Life is my muse. I guess I’d like to introduce myself alongside my writing, because it is a multitude of experiences, ideas, emotions processed, and above all; it is release.
Process, release, grow.
So take it how you want it, cause i’ll be here. &I look forward to it.